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Low Self-Esteem
Don't underestimate the power of developing healthy self-esteem
How do I know I have low self-esteem?
You will find below some of the ‘features’ (or ‘symptoms’) of low self-esteem that can give us clues that this is what you are experiencing. Please bear in mind when you read the descriptions below they are very generalised and also have a lot of overlap. The descriptions can also be part of an anxiety disorder such as OCD or GAD and so on. You may resonate with one ‘feature’ or more. This is just designed as a starting point. I certainly notice all of these things, at times, in myself.
I think of self esteem as ‘fluid’. So, when things are going well we can function well on the positive ideas we have about ourselves. However, when things get more difficult we can switch our view of ourselves to something much more negative and then struggle. It is almost like being on a rollercoaster, ups of confidence and lows of lack of self-confidence.
I am always happy to talk things through if you are not sure what is going on for you. I would invite you to use the contact me form, and we can arrange a free 20 minute to have a chat.
What is the difference between low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence?
This is really easy to get confused about. You have probably heard the terms self-esteem and self-confidence used interchangeably, but they are not the same thing. While they are closely related I think it is helpful to understand the difference between them.
"Healthy self-esteem is not just about confidence, it is the foundation of your human experience, it is your right to believe in yourself & flourish"
© Jane Watkins 2025
What is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is your overall sense of self-worth—how much you value and respect yourself. It is also your opinion of yourself and how you fit into the world, together with how you think others see you. It is about how you feel about who you are at your core. If you have read anything about CBT, this concept is commonly referred to as ‘core beliefs’. I have a free article on my Substack publication that might help you to think about this a bit more: Click Here
Signs of healthy self-esteem: •You accept yourself, flaws and all. •You believe you’re deserving of love, respect, and success. •You can handle criticism without it shattering your sense of self-worth. •You feel comfortable trying things out •You are not afraid of making mistakes and see things as mistakes, but more, a learning curve. •You enjoy trying out new things •You are able to set boundaries with others without becoming too anxious •You think positively about the future •You are able to problem solve challenges that come your way •You are ablet to self-soothe in healthy ways Signs of low self-esteem: •You struggle with feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt. •You often feel unworthy or undeserving of good things. •You seek external validation to feel ‘good enough. (reassurance seeking)’ •You over apologise. •You ruminate about past mistakes and fear making mistake now and in the future •You fear taking risks •You fear trying out new things •You prefer to stay in your comfort zone •You worry a lot •Sleep difficulties •May use food/alcohol as a means of self-soothing Self-esteem is the foundation of how you view yourself, how you fit into the world and are seen by others, influencing your decisions and relationships.
What Is Self-Confidence?
Self-confidence refers to your belief in your abilities and your trust that you can achieve specific goals or handle challenges. It’s about how competent and capable you feel in your life.
Signs of high self-confidence: •You believe in your ability to learn and grow. •You take on challenges and trust yourself to succeed. •You feel comfortable expressing your opinions and making decisions. •You are able to set boundaries in relationships •You feel comfortable with yourself as a person (sometime referred to as feeling ‘comfortable in your own skin’). •You might be described by others as ‘laid back’. Signs of low self-confidence: •You hesitate to take action because you fear failure. •You feel unsure of your skills or abilities. •You avoid situations where you might be judged or criticised. •You attribute any successes to luck or other influences rather than your abilities. •You feel anxious. •You may find it difficult to be spontaneous and feel more comfortable with planning things. Self-confidence can fluctuate depending on the situation. For example, you might feel confident at work but uncertain in social settings.
How can therapy help me with self-confidence and low self esteem?
Everyone is different. I tailor therapy individually for every client. But let’s have a GENERAL look at what therapy for low self-esteem can look like.
I think of unhelpful core beliefs, for example ‘I am not good enough’ as fears we have about ourselves. My experience is that these fears have taken root somewhere. In therapy we can find out where they came from, understand it, work out if they are correct. I use diagrams, with most of my clients, to identify how the past links to the current moment. The diagram also identifies unhelpful coping strategies you may have and how they create unintentional consequences. This then leads to negative cycles that we can get locked into. We can then clearly see what needs to change. I think I can say that all my clients find this incredibly helpful to understand why they do things and where it comes from. Another important thing to address can be those self-critical, almost bullying thoughts you may experience. Do they fill you with fear? Thoughts like, ‘if I ask for a pay rise, my boss will tell me how useless I am and fire me?’ Or if you get called for an urgent meeting, is your first thought is, what have I done wrong, I am going to be fired, not be able to pay my mortgage and be homeless? I am so useless and always fail’. I call this the self-critic. Whilst it might feel like the self-critic is alerting us to ‘threats’ (like losing a job) think about how many times it has stopped you acting and how many times has it actually been correct? We will also identify your strengths and successes (you do have them, even if you don’t think so right now!). We will look at your values (what is important to you) and how you can live you life that matches those values. We tend to feel happier when we are living a life that feels authentic to us.
Let’s take a look at some of the common features/ symptoms of low-esteem/lack of self-confidence.
Worrying
What is worrying?
Worrying could be described as constantly overthinking and fearing the worst. Worries are thoughts that are usually future-based ‘what if’ thoughts. They are about a catastrophic hypothetical interpretation of a future of doom!
These thoughts may keep you awake at night or hold you back during the day. While worry is a natural response to uncertainty, excessive worrying can take a toll on your mental health, relationships, and overall quality of life. Worrying becomes problematic when it’s persistent and disproportionate to the situation. Instead of solving problems, it often leads to feelings of helplessness, stress, and anxiety. Chronic worrying can stem from perfectionism, low self-esteem, and/or a fear of losing control. Worrying also fills people with fear that they feel in their body, such as a racing heart, breathing changes, feelings of dread about something bad happening, a dropping sensation in their stomach, weak knees and more. This physical feeling is so unpleasant you may get into behaviours to avoid any situation that might trigger this off. When we are in situations where we know we are going to lose someone or something, feeling fearful and thinking about what we are going to do is natural. However, worrying can get out of control and stop us doing things. We can get into massive avoidance and procrastination. It is also exhausting & makes the world feel a scary place. Sometimes people worry about worrying or worry if they don't have something to worry about! Worrying is natural, it is not your fault! Worrying is a natural human thing to do! Everybody does it. But some people do it to an extent that gets in their way and can take over their lives. It can prevent them doing things they want to and lead to avoiding all kinds of stuff. Worrying is a strategy that often gets confused with problem solving or stopping bad things happening. Some people feel if they worry about everything they then have a contingency plan for every scenario. But have you noticed that generally the things you worry about don’t happen and those curveballs life throws at you, you manage? Worrying about something that has not yet happened is not going to change the outcome. Another part to this is you 'suffer' more by agonising over things that have not yet happened and may never happen. Mark Twain said "worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe".
Perfectionism
This is not actually about trying to be perfect! "I am not a perfectionist" is what many of my clients have said over the years.
Let’s take a look at what perfectionism is like. Do you constantly feel the pressure to be perfect? Do you wonder what perfect actually is, does it feel a slippery concept you cannot quite grasp and feel you have to keep striving for? Does even the smallest perceived mistake leave you feeling like a failure? Do you feel anxious a lot? Do you overwork or go beyond what is necessary? For example, instead of writing a 1 page report, make 20 pages? Do you check things you do a lot? Do you seek reassurance you are doing a good job and crave praise. But then when you get it, maybe you don’t believe it? Have difficulty accepting compliments? Work much longer hours than your colleagues? Over research everything? Wanting to do a good job is a strength, whether that is at work, in a hobby, in your private life or whatever setting you find yourself in. Perfectionism is a whole different thing, often coming at a high cost for the perfectionist. It can leave you feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and never feeling “good enough.” Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting to do well; it’s the relentless pursuit of flawlessness, often fuelled by fear of judgment or failure. It can create a cycle of stress, procrastination, and self-criticism that affects your mental health, relationships, and overall happiness. Whilst it may only be in one domain, say work, it has a knock on effect in most of your life. When we feel we are not good enough, just as an example, this can lead to over compensating by trying to do everything to massively high standards so as not to get ‘found out’. Often this is to try and hide the fears we have about, for example, a lack of ability in an area. This can lead to over working, not having any time to do things we like which then can create difficulties at work and home. Leading to overwhelm, stress and burnout, to name but just a few. Difficulties at work can come from taking too long to do tasks or procrastinating from fears stemming from that feeling of not being good enough and getting found out! Similar, in some ways to Imposter Syndrome but with differences. You may want your home to be perfect making it difficult for others in the home to be at ease for fear of making a ‘mess’ (this can also be related to OCD). When we set ourselves impossibly high standards we take the risk of never being happy with anything we have done. And if we get praise, we will brush it off, thinking we could have done better. We may have trouble accepting compliments and bat them back at the person giving them. I think of a compliment as a gift. A gift from someone who has noticed something lovely about you. You wouldn't throw a physical gift back at someone would you? Then people stop giving compliments and then you think, hmmm, no one ever gives me compliments, that proves I am not good enough. What it boils down to in daily life is setting unachievably high goals for the things that we do. Because those goals are unachievable the person is left with a sense of failure in almost everything they do. There are often rigid rules the person sets for themself that stifles flexible thinking and creativity. There then tends to be further striving that results in all kinds of unhelpful behaviours. It is hard to enjoy life if you all you feel is a constant sense of failure. When you do achieve things, you may put it down to luck or anything that is not about how well you have preformed. It is a no win situation.
Imposter Syndrome
Do You Feel Like a Fraud?
What Is Imposter Syndrome?
Imposter syndrome is the persistent belief that your success is due to luck, timing, or deception rather than your skills, talent, or hard work.
It can leave you feeling like a fraud, even when the evidence clearly shows otherwise. You may disregard the evidence and rely more on the emotional feelings of fear and shame you feel that is generated from your thoughts. This is low self-esteem at work. You are not wanting to do this to yourself, you are simply trying to keep yourself safe from the fear of the feelings you may experience if you feel you have not been perfect or in your eyes, failed. What are the effects of imposter syndrome? The effects of imposter syndrome can seep into every area of your life. You might notice that you overwork, to try and compensate for that fear of not being good enough. You may fear failure and so avoid or procrastinate when you are presented with tasks for fear of being “exposed”. You may find it hard to make decisions and feel constant self-doubt. You may also notice that you are often second guessing your decisions and abilities. This is to just name a few. Who Struggles with Imposter Syndrome? Whilst anyone can experience imposter syndrome, high-achieving professionals, students, and creatives are particularly vulnerable. It’s often linked to low self-esteem, anxiety, and past experiences of criticism or unrealistic expectations.
Lack of Self-Confidence
What Is a Lack of Confidence?
Lack of confidence is more than just occasional self-doubt. It’s a persistent feeling of inadequacy that can make even small decisions feel overwhelming. As we said earlier, lack of self-confidence is a lack of faith in your ability to do things successfully.
You might avoid challenges, compare yourself to others, or feel stuck in a cycle of negative self-talk. I think of the negative self-talk as our self-critic. Our self-critic can often have a lot to say and can make us feel really scared and then unable to act. When we feel scared we tend to pay attention to the thing that is making us feel scared. In this case, the thought that has come to mind. But the self-critic is not always right and can be ‘over-protective’. The self-critic is often trying to keep us safe, but not always in the most helpful way. Signs You May Struggle with Confidence •You avoid new opportunities because you’re afraid of failing. •You feel uncomfortable sharing your opinions or asserting yourself. •You constantly seek validation from others. •You dwell on past mistakes and worry about future ones. •You feel like you’ll never measure up to your own or others’ expectations. •You find it difficult to set boundaries with others and feel taken advantage of at times, maybe a lot of times! The Impact of Low Confidence Low confidence can affect every area of your life, from your relationships to your career. It’s often rooted in low self-esteem and reinforced by patterns of self-doubt, criticism and fear. Over time, it can lead to missed opportunities, stress, and dissatisfaction.
People Pleasing
What is people pleasing?
This is often rooted in low-esteem and fears about being unlikeable, being left alone or abandoned, avoiding conflict and rejection. People pleasers have a really hard time saying no and setting boundaries with other people.
This leads them to saying yes to things they just don’t want to do. If this is you, I am pretty sure that you are very unhappy with this, but feel just too scared of what might happen if you changed this. My clients have often told me that they feel used by other people and unheard. They have also told me that they tend to get taken advantage of a lot and can end up in one way friendships and romantic relationships. By one way, I mean, that you are the one doing everything for the other person and getting nothing or little back.
Reassurance Seeking
Do You Feel Like a Fraud?
What Is Imposter Syndrome?
Imposter syndrome is the persistent belief that your success is due to luck, timing, or deception rather than your skills, talent, or hard work.
It can leave you feeling like a fraud, even when the evidence clearly shows otherwise. You may disregard the evidence and rely more on the emotional feelings of fear and shame you feel that is generated from your thoughts. This is low self-esteem at work. You are not wanting to do this to yourself, you are simply trying to keep yourself safe from the fear of the feelings you may experience if you feel you have not been perfect or in your eyes, failed. What are the effects of imposter syndrome? The effects of imposter syndrome can seep into every area of your life. You might notice that you overwork, to try and compensate for that fear of not being good enough. You may fear failure and so avoid or procrastinate when you are presented with tasks for fear of being “exposed”. You may find it hard to make decisions and feel constant self-doubt. You may also notice that you are often second guessing your decisions and abilities. This is to just name a few. Who Struggles with Imposter Syndrome? Whilst anyone can experience imposter syndrome, high-achieving professionals, students, and creatives are particularly vulnerable. It’s often linked to low self-esteem, anxiety, and past experiences of criticism or unrealistic expectations.
Negative Self-Talk
What is negative self-talk?
It is that critical voice you hear in your mind, bullying you and being mean.I often say to my clients that they talk to themselves in ways they would never dream of talking to someone else. And why would you not talk to others like that?
Because it might make them feel bad or anxious. And yet we do the same thing to ourselves. It maybe thoughts like ‘I always mess things up, I never get anything right, I always mess everything up, I hate myself, I am such a loser, I will never achieve anything good, everyone else is better than me, I am so fat and ugly-I will always be alone, everyone hates me, I am just worthless…….’ While everyone has an inner critic, constant negative self-talk can deeply impact your self-esteem, relationships, and ability to pursue your goals.